Baby Girl will always be a sweet reminder

      Many years ago a really close friend of mine passed away, in the year before she passed we grew apart a little, different places in life (as different as you can get between middle and high school) but still could lean on each other. Our families were close though and we went to be with her family where the accident happened. I didn’t want to believe that it actually happened, even though the day and next few months to be truthful were a blur, I can remember asking at least 5 times how she was only to be crushed again and again. I didn’t fully accept it until her funeral; I don’t think anyone who knew and loved her did.

       She was the BEST person you can imagine, the biggest caring heart, talented, beautiful but didn’t know it, smart, if it was a good trait she had it. She was our Sunshine; she brought joy and happiness everywhere she went. She fought hard for what she believed in, her best friend was an elderly lady who lived in her neighborhood, and she never met a stranger; you were instantly a friend.  She was only on this earth for a short amount of time but in that time she touched more lives than you can imagine.  She was also wise beyond her years and always put other before herself.

       A little less than 12 years later, I found out I was pregnant, my due date at the end of the month that she passed away in. I was elated, but finding out the due date month brought everything flooding back. When I found out that baby girl was truly baby girl (physical proof not just knowing), I knew that she would be born early, and around that time of the accident, my forever reminder of my sweet Sunshine. I only told one person that I felt Baby girl would be early when I knew, later after I moved I told the Hubs. (When he wouldn’t be worried about traveling)  I pushed it out of my head and forced myself not to think about it. I focused, on the new life that I was creating, my sweet, sweet little girl and on moving.

       Well the months  flew by and after a few scares (of early arrivals) I was told that if anything happened after 37 weeks I would have Baby Girl. (37 weeks was just a few days before the date of the accident and I had no doubts when Baby girl would be here.) Well at 37 weeks and 1 day I went into labor. Which was the day before the accident, I didn’t even realize until I was alone in the hospital room, the hubs had taken Lime home and was waiting for my West Coast Bestie to get there. I tried to hold it together, I failed. I failed miserably; so badly that the nurse was concerned that I would have problems with Baby Girl’s birthday. (Like about to call the doctors to see what they could do) I was able to explain to the nurse through my tears a little about my Sunshine and what happen, also that I had a feeling that it would be today. She told me that our departed loved ones always have a way of letting us know they are still around. She couldn’t have been more right.

       When I held Baby girl in my arms immediately I felt at peace. More than a new mom that just had a baby (not trying to one up or anything bad, I guess you could say a different type peace) I knew that my Sunshine was there with us. I don’t strictly think there are spirits all around us all the time, but I do believe that people you had a strong connection to can send you messages and can be felt around you when you need them. I felt Sunshine when I held Baby Girl even though it was in the middle of the night. Baby Girl already has a ton of personality; a lot of it could be my Sunshine, just like her, when Baby Girl smiles it warms your heart and soul. When I look at my sweet Baby Girl, I will be reminded to put others first, fight with all you all your heart for something that you believe in, to laugh the little things off, along with some others that are just for me to know, but most importantly to love the life you are given.

       I feel so blessed to have Baby Girl’s birthday so close to that day, I know that my Sunshine is with us and will always be. I also think that Baby Girl and my Sunshine have a special connection, I am a horrible singer but when I sing “You are my Sunshine” she smiles and has started giving me a little chuckle like “Mom, you have no idea”  I am also blessed to know that well 99% sure that my Sunshine is Baby Girl’s guardian angel.  It has taken me over four months to be able to write this and one day when Baby Girl is old enough she will be able to read this and know why she has always felt like she has been protected. 

I am not a good enough mom for my son,

      I have been thinking about this for a while. First off let me say that my son is my 1/3 of my world, (the other thirds belong to my Baby Girl and The Hubs.), I have loved him since before I even know I was pregnant and knew that he was in fact my Lime, we have a special connection that no one else will ever be able to experience, He is my little man, and one of my favorite people ever. I am a great mom (yes, again I am that confident) we go on crazy adventures, have special Lime days where he chooses what we do, I take the time to have one on one time with him daily, it might be just 5 minutes but its 5 minutes where he has all my attention. That being said, I don’t like doing boy things.

       My idea of fun isn’t playing cars for the fifth time in a day or watching them go down the race track, I don’t want to chase Lime around the kitchen, into the dining room, to the living room, and around the play area just to do that 10 more times. Some days I feel like if I see another hammer or screw driver I might freak out. I do all of these things along with others. I know that he needs to let his boyness out and boy does he! He is all little boy, okay not all, he is 99.999999% boy, I have the .0000001% that I have taken and turned into a sweet caring little love of a boy.

       I would much rather spend my time with my little Lime-a-kins cooking like we do most nights, or snuggling on the couch reading stories or just talking to each other. My favorite moments with him are when he randomly stops what he is doing comes over to me with open arms and gives me the biggest hug he can physically mange. That sweet moment is soon over when he tackles me and pins me down.

       I am trying to be more of a boy mom, we have always gone out and played but I always made him keep it safe. Now I am letting him climb a little higher while my heart is racing, I am letting him run around and fall down, maybe skin his knees (I am always right there to kiss them better, also disinfect and bandage).  I know that he won’t always be my sweet little Lime, the infant I held for hours and sweetly rocked while he slept. Can you blame me for wanting him to be?

       He needs room to grow into a “big” boy, teenager, and finally into the man that will make his parents proud. I am struggling with that growing part. He is and will always be my baby, just like the book “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch, says I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

        I love my son more than a mother could love a son, I swear the moment I saw him on the ultrasound I knew he would have a hold on my heart forever. I promise that I will let him be more “boy” and not be an overbearing overprotecting mommi that I am.  I will NOT however let him forget his southern manners, that sometimes a hug is the best medicine in the world, and that having a caring and giving heart is more important than being the most popular person. 

Lime waving hello world! 

       

I wouldn’t change my life.

       I wake up between 4 and 6:30 every day, big time difference I know!, I can be up in the middle of the night sometimes 3 or 4 times, I have many sleepless nights due to the kiddos or because I am the over worried wife that when the hubs is at work or out to sea, if I don’t get an e mail saying goodnight, I can’t fall asleep. Even on days that I get to “Sleep in” Lime is usually running amuck down stairs and wakes me up. My husband can be gone for weeks, even months at a time. Lime and Baby Girl aren’t always the happiest little kiddos and will cry and scream to let me know, Lime has also started the “terrible twos” just trying to figure out his little life and where he stands and what he is and isn’t allowed to do, he also is a nap pirate and doesn’t always take one. I live 3,000 miles away from my parents, brother, my in-laws and friends that I have known for close to five years. Funny thing is I wouldn’t change it.

        I desperately wanted children, no big fertility issues, I had one miscarriage, then within months of being able to “try” again I was pregnant with Lime and with Baby Girl, well she came when she wanted to, that time being two months before we started “trying”. As my friends call me I am a Fertile Myrtle. I am super mom, I handle sleepless nights and long days sometimes with me time but mostly with out. When I am about to rip out my hair or go hid in the closet until Lime comes and finds me because after all he is my mini stalker, (This kid can find me anywhere!) or Baby Girl needs to eat, I remind myself that I am truly blessed with two AMAZING kids. They may drive me insano some days but mostly we have awesome days with very little melt downs. As for the super early wake ups, I have time with just Baby Girl who is all smiles and laughs, I talk to her and the best she can at four months she talks back. I also have coffee, lots and lots of coffee.

      Of course I wish my husband would be home all the time, he is my best friend and we do everything together. If he was home all the time though I wouldn’t be able to miss him, I wouldn’t have that little hole in my heart that will only be filled when I see him on the boat dock or when I hear his beast of a truck pulling up and Lime screaming “DADDY!!!!” and running to the window to see him, making sure it’s real, before running and trying to open the front door. (His plans of that are always foiled with the baby locks) I actually have a chance to miss my husband and really appreciate all that he does around the house. Let’s face it, when you have someone to help you all the time you’re not going to notice that he was able to keep the baby happy or that he helps get dinner plated and gets everyone to the table. Its part of the everyday hectic life and a lot of it’s taken for granted. When the Hubs is gone my life really is crazy; I mange two kiddos that want what they want when they want it and it doesn’t matter what’s going on. Not to mention, that Lime wants to be a big boy and use the big boy potty; which usually happens when I am trying to get Baby girl to Sleep or when she is trying to eat. As soon as the Hubs gets home I know everything will be alright, he will do his daddy thing and somehow magically make the kiddos behave and calm down. I will also sleep like a baby, yes a baby; waking up in the middle of the night with baby girl and falling asleep again in the strangest of strange positions. (Think, sitting up straight with your head slightly tilted back and to the side (school pictures tilt to the side) with a 14 pound weight on your chest and your legs either straight out or one leg hanging off the couch and the other contoured into unnatural ways)

       I miss my family and East Coast friends daily. I love where I live, and have always wanted to live in Oregon. I mean seriously as far back as I can remember, I heard of Oregon and wanted to live there. I don’t know why there was just something about this state pulling me towards it. I finally feel like I belong somewhere, not that I am just a passerby. Do I wish I could still take a long drive and see family, OF COURSE! My family (In-laws included) is very close and saying good bye to them was the hardest thing I have had to do. This move however has been the best thing for my small family; we have ALWAYS had someone close to help us with the simple things in life. I even had someone who watched Lime a few times so I could vacuum. We have learned to lean on each other and how to really take care of things on our own.                We can now say that we are self-sufficient. Even when I went into labor with Baby girl, we could have handled it on our own. Thankfully I have one of the most amazing friends who made the two hour drive in less than an hour an half on a moment’s notice to stay with Lime overnight so the hubs could witness the miracle that is Baby Girl.

      My life isn’t for everyone, it can be challenging, it can be lonely, and if you let it, it can be downright overwhelming. But if you have the right mind set, the one of without all the stresses I wouldn’t be able to appreciate all the good I have, the two amazing kiddos, a loving husband, the family and friends who love me and my little family, a warm bed, fridge full of food (when I actually get to the grocery store) and a roof over my head, then my life is wonderful and why would anyone want to change it? 

I love Valentine’s Day,

      It might have something to do with the fact that I have had the same valentine since I was 17; though maybe not in the same state or country for that matter and have never been jaded by love. Also could be that I don’t reserve Valentine’s Day for “special” love. (Do I really need to explain that one?)

      I have been very lucky that the hubs and I have always had each other, even though he doesn’t believe in one day to show you love, in fact some years he has made a point to celebrate any other day but Valentine’s Day. We have done everything from fancy dinners, to being curled up on the couch watching movies. My favorite celebration was when he surprised me with a phone call saying he was going to be home in an hour (wasn’t supposed to be home at all that week; such is the military life) to get dressed up and wait for him. He took me out to a fancy dinner then we went and got coffee. (You should know that I LIVE for coffee, pretty sure my blood isn’t blood but in fact coffee.) This was the first year we were married, and it’s still fresh in my mind. It wasn’t because he took me to a fancy dinner that could have blown our budget for the month but because he took the time to think of something special and made the time to spend with me. 

      Even my “lonely” V-days, I have always been happy. Before I had the hubs and the years we weren’t together, I surrounded myself with people that I love my parents and friends before my kiddos. If I wasn’t able to do that I would do things for me, (a nice hot bath, painting my nails, watching sappy love movies, you know girlie things) because I really do love my self. I am pretty awesome if I do say so myself. Now that I have my two kiddos, I have three Valentines!

      I think love should be spread and Valentine’s Day is just a reminded to celebrate it. The card, candy, and flower companies have made it into something it shouldn’t be. They make it seem like if you don’t have a “Special” Valentine your alone and should feel bad. Truth is you still have people that love you; it just might be your best friend instead of a “special” friend.

      I dare you to have a non-typical Valentine. Maybe treat a family member, or a friend, or your kiddos to a special treat. I know that my two little pirates and I will be celebrating together, maybe going out to lunch or for a special trip to the bounce house. If you feel really brave, forego the typical Valentine all together, the hubs and I stopped buying each other gifts years ago. Now we celebrate with a meal that I cook and eat after the kiddos are in bed.

                  Love should be shared with EVERYONE! Not just your special someone.

I am reclaiming me.

       On any given day if you show up at my house unannounced I will have on my sweatpants that are getting a little too big, my husband’s shirt which is about 5 sizes too big, my hair pulled back mostly from the night before maybe washed maybe not, and most certainly no makeup. When I went out I would put on my one good pair of jeans and an old tee-shirt that I grabbed out of my dresser. I was stuck in the mommy rut.

      I want my children, especially Baby Girl, to know that just because you have children you shouldn’t disappear. I love my children more than anything, but I can’t let myself become only their mom. It’s taken four months for me to realize that I was slowly disappearing into being only Mommi to Lime and Baby Girl. I wasn’t my husband’s wife or the women who likes to do crafts and sew. All I felt like was Mommi; my days were consumed with potty training, feeding, and nap times and with the fun things (for the kiddos) in-between.

     With reclaiming me I am not saying that I am not a Mommi, I am saying that I love my children, they will ALWAYS come first, but I am still going to make time for myself. I am going “escape” to more places than just the grocery store, I will venture out with a good book, or most likely a gossip magazine and drink a coffee; if I’m lucky I will be with a friend instead and we can catch up. Now instead of changing out of my “home uniform” into my “going out” clothes I am going to take the time to not only make sure my children look their best, I am too. I will wear makeup, my hair will be styled, (I made sure of that by cutting off over 7 inches), my clothes will nice and spit of free, and once Baby Girl is out of her “I’m going to pull on everything, because I can” stage I will wear earrings and a necklace. I will have times that I will allow myself to wear my sweats; it will not be an all-day event.

      I will finally take the time to make time for myself.  

Homemade

     As I just put my homemade lasagna with my homemade pasta sauce in the oven, I started thinking that this isn't normal in every home.

       I choose to make 90% of my meals myself. I don’t like not knowing what exactly is in my food. Yes, it takes more time to make a meal from scratch. However knowing what exactly I am eating and putting into the bodies of my children and husband is a wonderful feeling. Besides it tastes so much better. I am not saying that I made the noodles and processed the cheese. I would like to learn how to make my own noodles maybe when the kiddos are older.  

      Before I got pregnant my husband and I ate six things, Tacos with a bag mix of seasoning, pizza which was frozen, stir fry from a bag, some type of pasta, chicken and broccoli casserole, some type of baked chicken and mac and cheese.  Things got very bland and we were gaining weight faster than I would have liked. I changed things up and instead of going to the freezer selections I did a little research and learned that I can make my own “freezer meals”, pizza crust, even  taco seasonings. This changed my life and waist line. I have always enjoyed cooking and why not make things fresh; I was confused as to why I NEVER thought of doing this before I got pregnant. Maybe it was because I was “baking” a new life or that I could barely eat anything, either way I’m glad I did.

      So I started cooking homemade meals and the hubs and I both started to feel better and enjoyed eating our meals, they weren’t loaded with salt, or sugar, or foods that we would pick around. They were tailored to what we liked to eat, not the masses. It’s nice to know that NO food is gone to waste, unless our eyes are bigger than our stomachs.  I also found that with a little practice that foods don’t have to take longer than what “convenient boxed/bags” foods do, at least not much longer. I make an amazing, (yes I feel confident to say amazing) bacon mac and cheese. Made with fresh cheeses, (three) bacon, green onions, and some noodles. Guess what it takes 30 minutes and ONE pot. No draining needed.

      When it was time to think about food for Lime, okay I will be real. When I was pregnant with Lime and thought about his first foods, it only made sense that I would make his food too. One of the simplest things I have EVER made. Steam, puree, done, I could make him meals for an entire month in less than two hours including clean up. I did eventually get a nifty baby food cooker from my Mother-in-law who witnessed the process of cooking for him. This baby does EVERYTHING! I was able to make food fresh a few times a week in less than 30 minutes and spend less than jarred baby food. I did get lazy one day and thought I’ll just go get him some food. When I tried to feed him he wanted nothing to do with it. He ended up eating rice cereal because of the nastiness. He is also (or was) a great eater. He is getting back on track with eating everything; the poor guy had a rough time and only wanted foods he knew. My son will eat sushi, any type of veggie, and the “fancy” cheeses. Try to give him a hot dog or a chicken nugget he wants nothing to do with it. I credit that to introducing him to “non-kid” foods early. He was about a year old eating sushi and loved it. (Think more of a veggie roll, or chicken teriyaki)

      Now that we are thinking of Baby Girl eating “real” foods in the coming months I am getting a jump start,  so when she is ready so are we. I already have some sweet potatoes in the freezer, and I am thinking of what seasonings she will like once she has had her taste of different foods. That’s another thing with homemade baby foods. You won’t find any with seasoning in store bought jarred baby foods, they are plain and bland. Even with the benefits of different seasonings, such as Ginger, GREAT for digestion.  And who doesn’t love cinnamon with apples? Or who wants to eat something out of a jar that could be made simply at home?  

      I love that I am able to make healthy flavorful meals for my family and know that I am not loading them up on sodium or things I can’t pronounce even sound out in my head. Yes, I am one of “those” people, the ones that cook mostly healthy fresh meals. In the past three years, I have completely changed my way of cooking. I now make our " six meals" homemade not from a bag or box, and other than veggies and fruits for smoothies, okay Ice cream too ( we all have our weaknesses) I can skip over the frozen section at the grocery store. 

      I am proud to say that the last time I cooked a frozen meal was when I first moved into my house and didn’t have pots or pans.  As I smell my lasagna cooking (smelling amazing) I am so glad that I take the time to do this and I am able to do this.  As the hubs says I take the time to keep him winterized and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

My little lime came.

It all started with a trip to Orlando. When my husband had a chance to take a class there we jumped on it. After a rough year we needed to get away, to escape our lives and small town if you will. While my husband was in class I spent my days at the pool or sleeping in. When my husband was finished for the day, we took in the “sights” went shopping, and ate at some amazing places.  It was a great trip and was just what we needed. We almost fully forgot everything going on back home. I say almost because while we were enjoying the sun, we got the call saying that we had 45 days to move out of our rental because the house had sold.

Once we got back to real life, I was stressed with trying to find a house, in a small town it’s really hard to find a year round rental, everyone does summer rentals and wouldn’t even think about it. I wrote off the extreme tiredness and nauseous feelings as being overly stressed and getting back to the grind. You can imagine my excitement as that “time” came and went, still I didn’t take a test. That wasn’t until two weeks later.

When I took the test I was “super” pregnant, the positive line showed up before the control line did. I knew Lime was a keeper and was satisfied with just one test, my husband made me take another and I didn’t have “enough” in me and barely got any on the stick. Still “super’ positive.

With less than three weeks left to move out, things started falling into place, I was pregnant and we found a place to move to. The next three weeks are a blur, packing, sleeping, working, moving, unpacking, more sleeping, and making myself eat. It all went by really fast and I am grateful it did.

At thirty-four weeks Lime wanted to come and party, I had a nice little talk with him and he stayed in. everything was great for the next two weeks, then on my way to my thirty six week appointment I got into a car accident, I was for sure Lime would come and  be here for Christmas. NOPE! He really listened to our talk and held strong and stayed in for another three weeks! I believe he only came at thirty nine weeks because there were talks of an “eviction” of some sorts. Being a gestational diabetic and knowing I was going to have a big baby the doctors were scared to let me go past forty weeks.

It might also have something to do with the plans we had to get everything perfect, my husband being at work for the night, fat kid hot dogs (smothered in cheese and Jalapenos) but I really think it’s because I changed the sheets to my favorite set. Either way he wanted to party and that’s just what he did.

My sweet boy is going to be TWO this month and I can’t fathom it. I feel like the time has flown by with a blink he has grown from the sweet newborn that I would hold for hours just staring at into the hilarious, sweet, loving, pirate of little boy, sorry correction, big boy. I can’t imagine my life without him and I remember my life before him,  but in reality my life really started the second I heard his cry.