I miss my other half.

        Now I know most of you are thinking, the Hubs. And you’d be wrong. I mean DUH I miss him when he is gone, shoot even when he is at work for the day I miss him…Most of the time when he is at work for the day I miss him. I am talking about my children’s second mom, even though Baby Girl has never officially met her, the person that no matter what I can tell my secrets to, the one that I can always count on; My East Coast bestie and co-parent.

      We always joke that we had to be friends; it wasn’t a matter of us getting along. It was a matter of our hubs being best friends. It was just lucky that we did get along and became great friends in such a short amount of time. In the two years we lived next to each other we celebrated first birthdays (and seconds and thirds along with the adults birthdays), new life, and all of the joyous moments life can bring. We also mourned loss of people that the hubs and I loved dearly. We joined together to be the best mother we could be. (Yes, mother, not mothers) we Co-parented and at times I am pretty sure our pirates didn’t know the difference between their bio mommy and their second mommy other than the hair color and living arrangements. Her pirates had their room at my house as well did my pirate at theirs. Our children were together every day unless we went to visit families, even then those have intertwined.

      She is the person that when you meet them and you just know that they will always be a BIG part of your life. For the first year and half( and in utero) she was such a huge part of my son’s life, there were times that he had enough of me ( it happens when the only people in the house are you two) and would cry and beg to go see her. As soon as we would walk into their house he would be all smiles go hug his second mommy and play with Rah Rah. Besides my husband she was the first to know about Baby Girl, we knew that each other were pregnant before we (the pregnant ones) knew, she was also the first person to hold little Lime (besides grandparents) and the first to know that Baby Girl was born. I was able to talk to her when I was in labor and all alone while The Hubs was home with Lime waiting for someone to get there to watch him. She doesn’t know (well does now) that if it wasn’t for her I would have been freaking out and would have tried to walk home. 

      I don’t even want to write this because I can’t find a way that doesn’t sound strange or that The hubs isn’t a vital part of my life ( he is I promise!) but saying that she is my sister or my best friend just doesn’t do it. She is my other half; there is a small part of me missing because I don’t have her and her family around me. I know that sounds crazy but it’s the only way that feels right to put it. I need this woman in my life, she gets me, she doesn’t judge me, and she loves my children just as much as I do. It’s hard to find friends like that. It’s a good thing that she (at least I hope she does) feels the same way and there is no way our families are growing apart. 

Baby Girl will always be a sweet reminder

      Many years ago a really close friend of mine passed away, in the year before she passed we grew apart a little, different places in life (as different as you can get between middle and high school) but still could lean on each other. Our families were close though and we went to be with her family where the accident happened. I didn’t want to believe that it actually happened, even though the day and next few months to be truthful were a blur, I can remember asking at least 5 times how she was only to be crushed again and again. I didn’t fully accept it until her funeral; I don’t think anyone who knew and loved her did.

       She was the BEST person you can imagine, the biggest caring heart, talented, beautiful but didn’t know it, smart, if it was a good trait she had it. She was our Sunshine; she brought joy and happiness everywhere she went. She fought hard for what she believed in, her best friend was an elderly lady who lived in her neighborhood, and she never met a stranger; you were instantly a friend.  She was only on this earth for a short amount of time but in that time she touched more lives than you can imagine.  She was also wise beyond her years and always put other before herself.

       A little less than 12 years later, I found out I was pregnant, my due date at the end of the month that she passed away in. I was elated, but finding out the due date month brought everything flooding back. When I found out that baby girl was truly baby girl (physical proof not just knowing), I knew that she would be born early, and around that time of the accident, my forever reminder of my sweet Sunshine. I only told one person that I felt Baby girl would be early when I knew, later after I moved I told the Hubs. (When he wouldn’t be worried about traveling)  I pushed it out of my head and forced myself not to think about it. I focused, on the new life that I was creating, my sweet, sweet little girl and on moving.

       Well the months  flew by and after a few scares (of early arrivals) I was told that if anything happened after 37 weeks I would have Baby Girl. (37 weeks was just a few days before the date of the accident and I had no doubts when Baby girl would be here.) Well at 37 weeks and 1 day I went into labor. Which was the day before the accident, I didn’t even realize until I was alone in the hospital room, the hubs had taken Lime home and was waiting for my West Coast Bestie to get there. I tried to hold it together, I failed. I failed miserably; so badly that the nurse was concerned that I would have problems with Baby Girl’s birthday. (Like about to call the doctors to see what they could do) I was able to explain to the nurse through my tears a little about my Sunshine and what happen, also that I had a feeling that it would be today. She told me that our departed loved ones always have a way of letting us know they are still around. She couldn’t have been more right.

       When I held Baby girl in my arms immediately I felt at peace. More than a new mom that just had a baby (not trying to one up or anything bad, I guess you could say a different type peace) I knew that my Sunshine was there with us. I don’t strictly think there are spirits all around us all the time, but I do believe that people you had a strong connection to can send you messages and can be felt around you when you need them. I felt Sunshine when I held Baby Girl even though it was in the middle of the night. Baby Girl already has a ton of personality; a lot of it could be my Sunshine, just like her, when Baby Girl smiles it warms your heart and soul. When I look at my sweet Baby Girl, I will be reminded to put others first, fight with all you all your heart for something that you believe in, to laugh the little things off, along with some others that are just for me to know, but most importantly to love the life you are given.

       I feel so blessed to have Baby Girl’s birthday so close to that day, I know that my Sunshine is with us and will always be. I also think that Baby Girl and my Sunshine have a special connection, I am a horrible singer but when I sing “You are my Sunshine” she smiles and has started giving me a little chuckle like “Mom, you have no idea”  I am also blessed to know that well 99% sure that my Sunshine is Baby Girl’s guardian angel.  It has taken me over four months to be able to write this and one day when Baby Girl is old enough she will be able to read this and know why she has always felt like she has been protected. 

I am not a good enough mom for my son,

      I have been thinking about this for a while. First off let me say that my son is my 1/3 of my world, (the other thirds belong to my Baby Girl and The Hubs.), I have loved him since before I even know I was pregnant and knew that he was in fact my Lime, we have a special connection that no one else will ever be able to experience, He is my little man, and one of my favorite people ever. I am a great mom (yes, again I am that confident) we go on crazy adventures, have special Lime days where he chooses what we do, I take the time to have one on one time with him daily, it might be just 5 minutes but its 5 minutes where he has all my attention. That being said, I don’t like doing boy things.

       My idea of fun isn’t playing cars for the fifth time in a day or watching them go down the race track, I don’t want to chase Lime around the kitchen, into the dining room, to the living room, and around the play area just to do that 10 more times. Some days I feel like if I see another hammer or screw driver I might freak out. I do all of these things along with others. I know that he needs to let his boyness out and boy does he! He is all little boy, okay not all, he is 99.999999% boy, I have the .0000001% that I have taken and turned into a sweet caring little love of a boy.

       I would much rather spend my time with my little Lime-a-kins cooking like we do most nights, or snuggling on the couch reading stories or just talking to each other. My favorite moments with him are when he randomly stops what he is doing comes over to me with open arms and gives me the biggest hug he can physically mange. That sweet moment is soon over when he tackles me and pins me down.

       I am trying to be more of a boy mom, we have always gone out and played but I always made him keep it safe. Now I am letting him climb a little higher while my heart is racing, I am letting him run around and fall down, maybe skin his knees (I am always right there to kiss them better, also disinfect and bandage).  I know that he won’t always be my sweet little Lime, the infant I held for hours and sweetly rocked while he slept. Can you blame me for wanting him to be?

       He needs room to grow into a “big” boy, teenager, and finally into the man that will make his parents proud. I am struggling with that growing part. He is and will always be my baby, just like the book “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch, says I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

        I love my son more than a mother could love a son, I swear the moment I saw him on the ultrasound I knew he would have a hold on my heart forever. I promise that I will let him be more “boy” and not be an overbearing overprotecting mommi that I am.  I will NOT however let him forget his southern manners, that sometimes a hug is the best medicine in the world, and that having a caring and giving heart is more important than being the most popular person. 

Lime waving hello world! 

       

I wouldn’t change my life.

       I wake up between 4 and 6:30 every day, big time difference I know!, I can be up in the middle of the night sometimes 3 or 4 times, I have many sleepless nights due to the kiddos or because I am the over worried wife that when the hubs is at work or out to sea, if I don’t get an e mail saying goodnight, I can’t fall asleep. Even on days that I get to “Sleep in” Lime is usually running amuck down stairs and wakes me up. My husband can be gone for weeks, even months at a time. Lime and Baby Girl aren’t always the happiest little kiddos and will cry and scream to let me know, Lime has also started the “terrible twos” just trying to figure out his little life and where he stands and what he is and isn’t allowed to do, he also is a nap pirate and doesn’t always take one. I live 3,000 miles away from my parents, brother, my in-laws and friends that I have known for close to five years. Funny thing is I wouldn’t change it.

        I desperately wanted children, no big fertility issues, I had one miscarriage, then within months of being able to “try” again I was pregnant with Lime and with Baby Girl, well she came when she wanted to, that time being two months before we started “trying”. As my friends call me I am a Fertile Myrtle. I am super mom, I handle sleepless nights and long days sometimes with me time but mostly with out. When I am about to rip out my hair or go hid in the closet until Lime comes and finds me because after all he is my mini stalker, (This kid can find me anywhere!) or Baby Girl needs to eat, I remind myself that I am truly blessed with two AMAZING kids. They may drive me insano some days but mostly we have awesome days with very little melt downs. As for the super early wake ups, I have time with just Baby Girl who is all smiles and laughs, I talk to her and the best she can at four months she talks back. I also have coffee, lots and lots of coffee.

      Of course I wish my husband would be home all the time, he is my best friend and we do everything together. If he was home all the time though I wouldn’t be able to miss him, I wouldn’t have that little hole in my heart that will only be filled when I see him on the boat dock or when I hear his beast of a truck pulling up and Lime screaming “DADDY!!!!” and running to the window to see him, making sure it’s real, before running and trying to open the front door. (His plans of that are always foiled with the baby locks) I actually have a chance to miss my husband and really appreciate all that he does around the house. Let’s face it, when you have someone to help you all the time you’re not going to notice that he was able to keep the baby happy or that he helps get dinner plated and gets everyone to the table. Its part of the everyday hectic life and a lot of it’s taken for granted. When the Hubs is gone my life really is crazy; I mange two kiddos that want what they want when they want it and it doesn’t matter what’s going on. Not to mention, that Lime wants to be a big boy and use the big boy potty; which usually happens when I am trying to get Baby girl to Sleep or when she is trying to eat. As soon as the Hubs gets home I know everything will be alright, he will do his daddy thing and somehow magically make the kiddos behave and calm down. I will also sleep like a baby, yes a baby; waking up in the middle of the night with baby girl and falling asleep again in the strangest of strange positions. (Think, sitting up straight with your head slightly tilted back and to the side (school pictures tilt to the side) with a 14 pound weight on your chest and your legs either straight out or one leg hanging off the couch and the other contoured into unnatural ways)

       I miss my family and East Coast friends daily. I love where I live, and have always wanted to live in Oregon. I mean seriously as far back as I can remember, I heard of Oregon and wanted to live there. I don’t know why there was just something about this state pulling me towards it. I finally feel like I belong somewhere, not that I am just a passerby. Do I wish I could still take a long drive and see family, OF COURSE! My family (In-laws included) is very close and saying good bye to them was the hardest thing I have had to do. This move however has been the best thing for my small family; we have ALWAYS had someone close to help us with the simple things in life. I even had someone who watched Lime a few times so I could vacuum. We have learned to lean on each other and how to really take care of things on our own.                We can now say that we are self-sufficient. Even when I went into labor with Baby girl, we could have handled it on our own. Thankfully I have one of the most amazing friends who made the two hour drive in less than an hour an half on a moment’s notice to stay with Lime overnight so the hubs could witness the miracle that is Baby Girl.

      My life isn’t for everyone, it can be challenging, it can be lonely, and if you let it, it can be downright overwhelming. But if you have the right mind set, the one of without all the stresses I wouldn’t be able to appreciate all the good I have, the two amazing kiddos, a loving husband, the family and friends who love me and my little family, a warm bed, fridge full of food (when I actually get to the grocery store) and a roof over my head, then my life is wonderful and why would anyone want to change it? 

I love Valentine’s Day,

      It might have something to do with the fact that I have had the same valentine since I was 17; though maybe not in the same state or country for that matter and have never been jaded by love. Also could be that I don’t reserve Valentine’s Day for “special” love. (Do I really need to explain that one?)

      I have been very lucky that the hubs and I have always had each other, even though he doesn’t believe in one day to show you love, in fact some years he has made a point to celebrate any other day but Valentine’s Day. We have done everything from fancy dinners, to being curled up on the couch watching movies. My favorite celebration was when he surprised me with a phone call saying he was going to be home in an hour (wasn’t supposed to be home at all that week; such is the military life) to get dressed up and wait for him. He took me out to a fancy dinner then we went and got coffee. (You should know that I LIVE for coffee, pretty sure my blood isn’t blood but in fact coffee.) This was the first year we were married, and it’s still fresh in my mind. It wasn’t because he took me to a fancy dinner that could have blown our budget for the month but because he took the time to think of something special and made the time to spend with me. 

      Even my “lonely” V-days, I have always been happy. Before I had the hubs and the years we weren’t together, I surrounded myself with people that I love my parents and friends before my kiddos. If I wasn’t able to do that I would do things for me, (a nice hot bath, painting my nails, watching sappy love movies, you know girlie things) because I really do love my self. I am pretty awesome if I do say so myself. Now that I have my two kiddos, I have three Valentines!

      I think love should be spread and Valentine’s Day is just a reminded to celebrate it. The card, candy, and flower companies have made it into something it shouldn’t be. They make it seem like if you don’t have a “Special” Valentine your alone and should feel bad. Truth is you still have people that love you; it just might be your best friend instead of a “special” friend.

      I dare you to have a non-typical Valentine. Maybe treat a family member, or a friend, or your kiddos to a special treat. I know that my two little pirates and I will be celebrating together, maybe going out to lunch or for a special trip to the bounce house. If you feel really brave, forego the typical Valentine all together, the hubs and I stopped buying each other gifts years ago. Now we celebrate with a meal that I cook and eat after the kiddos are in bed.

                  Love should be shared with EVERYONE! Not just your special someone.