Just my baby girl.

I don’t even know where to start, sorry if this is a little (okay a lot jumbled) in the beginning, I promise it will get better by the end...hopefully.

   I have been trying to write about Baby Girl but I am having troubles, she is my forever sweet reminder. I didn’t realize how emotional I would be about it.  

I mean it was a year ago that I was in the operating room waiting to hear her scream and to see her chubby little face, but  just hours before I was alone in a room struck with the realization that it was  almost the anniversary of  “the date”. I lost a great friend, and even though she was only fourteen she was the best person I knew. After a year I thought I had healed from having everything brought back but I had merely forgotten the giant Band-Aid.

    I remember thinking that “It’s too soon, which funnily is Baby Girls Motto, she does everything too soon.  After a few days of being off full bed rest, I did what any sane soon to be mommy would do, I went grocery shopping alone (yes, alone at 8 months and 1 week alone, it was my ME time) I told the cashier that this baby wasn’t coming any time soon (HA!), I went home cleaned, napped, started cooking dinner and planning my freezer meals. While cooking dinner, I thought my water broke and having a few contractions. Before I could even finish my dinner (Mongolian beef and rice) I was whisked off to the hospital. My sweet Hubbs, took care of everything, Lime, my hospital bags, even almost carried me, (I refused the wheel chair). He sadly had to leave when it was time for Lime’s bed time, well way after. I was left alone with my own thoughts for a few hours, it was scary. Baby Girl was early, and after trying to escape for a few weeks I couldn’t help but think something might be wrong, (nothing was).

   In this past year I have been blessed to watch my sweet Baby Girl turn in a sweet Little Girl. This little one is so full of life and love and increasingly more every day she reminds me of my friend.  I know that Baby Girl will do great things in life. 

Happy birthday sweet girl. 

Why (long distance) friendship is important

      I’m going to start of saying that The Hubs calls me a horrible friend; I have been known to bail on plans and sometimes just not plan anything. (He has turned me into an introvert…just a small one) I am not a horrible friend though (at least I don’t think I am) If there is something important to a friend I am always there, I try to help in any way I can, and if I do say so myself I am a lot of fun to be around. 

        Having friends close in distance is important but it’s easy to keep those friends. You see them regularly, easy to hang out, and sometimes you’ll bump into them at the store and can see how their day is going without really going out of your way.  They are your go to friends, no shame in saying it. They are there to help you and you to help them.  It doesn’t take as much effort as keeping long distance friends.

        Just like any long distance relationship you have to put in what you want to get out. How you treat that friendship is how that other person views the value of it. Some lucky friendships don’t miss a beat when dealing with a distance issue; others need work and time put into it.

       Having a friend who doesn’t live in your area is more than having somewhere to sleep when you want to take a vacation; it opens up a whole new world. You can get to know the person on a completely different level, instead of relying of their facial expressions or body langue to see if something is wrong your able to read a text and with a simple question and can be able tell something is wrong just by the way it’s been worded. You get to share excitement that your friend is having and it’s almost like you’re there too. All it takes is a little time, let them know they are loved and thought about.

         Having a close friend that lives apart from you can be the most amazing thing you have. When you are reunited you have two different sets of stories to tell, the anticipation of seeing someone(s) you love again after any amount of time apart, and the closeness that can only come from not being able to see them<- I admit it sounds weird but after having a best friend on the other side of the country we have become closer.

       Take the time to tell your friends near and FAR, how you feel about your friendship and most importantly take time out of your busy schedule just for them. 

I’m upset about my “second son” turning two.

Like some moms who have those best friends that have turned lifers, I have a second set of children. (4 under 4!...Well technically almost 5 in age) My “Second Son”, Little Man, was born almost exactly 6 months after Lime. They were supposed to grow up together and be best friends as soon as I found out that Baby Girl was who I thought she was, KM (Little Man’s mom) and I started planning their wedding.

I was devastated when I realized I wouldn’t be able to be there for Little Man’s first birthday.  Even though I did my own little party with cupcakes and happy birthday it wasn’t the same. I didn’t accept that life was moving on without me.

I still remember the day he was born. I was woken up by the normal 8 am text from KM, this time it wasn’t talking about Rah Rah but” WOW!! Little Man has dropped” I immediately got Lime and myself ready and headed over to see.  Later that afternoon of nothing out the norm, everyone loaded up to go to a birthday party for a friend’s daughter (who is almost exactly 6 months older than Lime) and enjoyed the party. I kept looking at KM expecting to witness the contractions. (I had been on watch for several weeks because just like my bio kids Little man wanted to escape early) Nothing happened, I was kind of bummed.  I was so excited to meet my baby boy, I didn’t want to wait to hold him or kiss him. After the party I went home and packed a little bag of my own, just in case. I was going to be staying with Rah Rah while Little man was born. I got the call about 9:00 “can you come and sit with KM while I get gas” After I got there it was “so we are going in”  That night I didn’t sleep, you see Rah Rah was born in about 8 hours and I was expecting even less this go round. I woke up about every two hours checking my phone. The next call didn’t come until 6 when Rah Rah was waking up. No baby. The next phone call was a little after 12:00 and I rushed there to meet my baby and made the nurses nervous. (They knew me from the escape attempt)

I have such a special connection with my Little Man, I was the first one to hold him besides his mommy and daddy, I’m the one who could comfort him when no one else could. I have the magical couch that when our little nap pirate showed up and Little Man refused to nap, he would fall right to sleep and slept for hours, (Always watched and someone sitting right to him) and he sends me text messages when he is able to steal his mommy’s phone. I have missed so much in his life that no mommy, no matter how you became the mom, should miss. I’m 3,000 miles away from my son, in this past year he has started, walking and really talking. I have missed him moving from his home to a brand new place and all the small moments in-between. I miss my son (and duh! My daughter)

Happy Birthday Little Man, I Love you SO much. 

I don't feel guilty

      With all these debates of natural birth vs. medicated/C-section or even breast vs. formula fed, no matter what you choose to do there is a great chance that you will feel the mom guilt; better known as the judgment of others.

      With my lime-a-kins, I planned on natural birth and breast feeding. The obvious choice for me, a somewhat of a crunchy person (hippie) reformed from a germ-o-phobic one. I was in active labor for 25 hours with no meds other than Pitocin, (Medicine to help induce contractions {water broke and not progressing}) after the first 12 hours. I pushed for over two hours and my little lime wasn’t coming. His head was stuck at a weird angle and pretty much stuck. I ended up asking for a c section I was exhausted and I couldn’t push any more. (My doctor was amazing and waited until I said something about the c section and even though it was passed the 24 hours of my water breaking-where the risk of infection really sets in.) Less than an hour later I had my sweet baby in this world; perfect healthy and weighing close to 10 pounds at a week early

      Well my birth plan went out the window but breast feeding you better believe it will happen…Nope. Lime was seriously traumatized in the hospital by a nurse who didn’t know what she was talking about. When he saw “the goods” he would immediately start screaming and would thrash around to where he wouldn’t latch, even when he was just the right amount of hungry. I wasn’t producing anything and with the stress of very little support and my son rejecting me, I gave up and gave him formula. He is two and half and has never been seriously sick; had a cold once, he is also very smart, no known allergies and besides being lactose intolerant he can eat anything he wants.

      Moving on to Baby girl, I had grand plans of a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section), that didn’t happen either. The hospital I chose wouldn’t do it; they were not equipped properly in case something happened. I was told I would have to drive two hours to a different city to have one. With no family for 3,000 miles, at the moment no friends close enough to be at my house in less than 20 minutes and really feeling good about my doctors I chose to stay with them. I didn’t get my VBAC but I could still totally breast feed. I did for a month, and after every feeding of exorcist vomiting (yeah it was that bad) and NO weight gain, or even staying the same weight. I found out sweet baby girl was also lactose intolerant, even to me (curse my bad genes). I now have a healthy and happy baby girl, not the shirking angry ball of furry I had; she also started sleeping.

      My kiddos are perfectly healthy and happy. I am not going to get into the “I should have done this instead” because frankly I don’t care what other moms say is best for MY kiddos; they are mine! Moms need to stop judging and start embracing different types of moms; it’s what makes the world go round. 

I don’t diet…

       It’s simple really, the easiest concept there is, which I will share with you in a little bit. I know most of you are thinking oh lucky her she isn’t “big boned” or “thick”  maybe you’re thinking that I had surgery to remove fat or the something to make my stomach smaller, or you might jump straight to thinking I have an eating disorder. Well, no you’re wrong. I just don’t eat (that much) processed foods.

       I see the post for Oreos baked into cupcakes, Doritos chicken bake, or one of the countless other recipes that call for loads of processed foods   and I can’t help but think to myself, when did we become a nation of processed foods? Was it my generation, the one before ours, or was it when the original TV dinner was introduced? When we did we become so “busy” with everyday life that we willing (in most cases-let’s be honest) gave up our health?

      If people would simply give up processed foods or at least the majority of them and spend a little more time in the kitchen making things from scratch, (yes, I talk about homemade all the time but guess what!! I don’t care.) And I’m not talking about crushing a bag of chips, adding a can of cream of chicken, cheese, and the chicken then sticking it in the oven. I mean, cutting up your veggies, marinating lean meats and instead of frying up “something yummy” bake, sauté, grill, broil, sear your steak or (some) fish, you can even boil it if that is to your liking.

       You shouldn’t be eating foods just because they taste good (we all do it, not going to lie about it…brownies are my weakness.) but because they are good for you too. I am proud to say that my go to “Easy meal” is a chicken stir fry with broccoli Cole slaw (in a bag yes) and my two year old eats it up! You will not see a bag of frozen chicken nuggets in my freezer or a crazy amount of chips in my pantry. 95% of the time my family eats clean, instead of chips for a snack we eat a handful of nuts or some vegetables or fruit. 

      We have gone  from eating NOTHING but processed foods with a few meats and veggies thrown in to “Be healthy”, I once ate 98% of a family size of Doritos I blamed my pregnancy craving and I “just couldn’t” help it. I have said everything you can think of as to why I eat the way I did, pregnancy cravings, I’m just too busy to cook a home cooked meal, or the kitchen is too small to enjoy cooking, to the extreme of eating only a handful of processed foods and nothing sugary or sweet even.

        I realized that I don’t  like the way I feel when I eat tons of processed foods, I’m lazy, tired, I can’t think clearly and my sleep is terrible ( I sleep better with a 7 month old who doesn’t sleep through the night then when I ate junk) . It even takes me longer to look “human” in the mornings, dry limp hair, dull looking skin, black circles from lack of good sleep.  I also don’t like depriving my body of foods that I love, such as brownies. I wasn’t very fun to be around without my sweet fix.

      For my family to happy, we made a life style change. Now that we are eating better in general with our just have to have it items, we are healthier and happier.

 I haven’t had a strict exercise routine since I’ve had baby girl. I know that I need to get off my bum and do it but I don’t want to, plain and simple. (My SIL would tell me that I would be doing it for my kids and that I need to get on it, you really should check out her  amazing blog! http://onefitmommaandababe.blogspot.com/) but I am amazed at the results of JUST eating right. And to prove it a picture of my bare belly, I do have stretch marks. I am also adding pictures of each pregancy s how I wasn't super small. 

barely 32 weeks pregnant with Lime.

                  Day before I had Baby Girl, 37 weeks pregnant. (I was a lot bigger with Lime at the same time)

                                             Just eating and drinking the right things make all the difference.

If I ever get brave enough I will post a picture of what I looked like with Lime-a-kins at the same time post pregnancy.

The day I said I do is my happiest day.

      I have been thinking about this for some time. Yes, when I had my little pirates I was happy, ecstatic even. (Well, after the pain medication kicked in… that sounded really bad. I had two c sections and once the pain hit WOWZA. It was over whelming.) I love my kiddos more than life its self. But the day I actually had them, not my happiest. I know I will offend some moms out there and I am okay with that. The day I got married is my happiest day.

      For one it’s the day that started the rest of my life. If I didn't say yes when I was asked to be Mrs. and if I didn’t go through with the wedding (never had second thoughts) I wouldn’t have MY two pirates. My wedding though actually a very scary day, with the hurricane season, and rain storms all week and the day before going on into the early morning, was very peaceful; the whole planning actually. It was a destination wedding of sorts and should have been difficult to plan. I was able to plan everything with one trip and a final trip about two months before the wedding to finalize everything. (I mean I made a few extra trips just because it was happening at a beach) The day of I was able to spend time with some of my favorite family members (who traveled 18 hours with 5 kids) and have breakfast with one of my bridesmaids who I didn’t get to spend that much time with. (She also met her future husband, a groomsman!) The day its self was perfect, it wasn’t raining and everything just flowed.

It wasn’t until after the “I do’s” that the storm of all storms hit. We literally just started the reception when the sky’s opened up and let loose. I didn’t notice, until my new Aunt walked over to me said. “Congratulations, you look beautiful, and look outside.” I love thunder storms and my grandma for some reason (passed away before I was out of High school) told me that if it rains on your wedding day then God is happy that you got married. To be truthful the power could have cut off and there be storm damage and I would still have been happy. Nothing could have changed my mood that day.

      One more reason my kiddos are a part of The Hubs. Lime has their family trait, annoy the one you love the most and though he doesn’t know a stranger like his mommy, he is quiet and likes to see how things work like daddy, he is thoughtful and he enjoys having days at home. He also loves to have his “man” time with daddy. While Baby girl, who already at six months is a lot like her daddy. She is quiet and reserved around new people, she knows what she wants and wants it then, as much as she can she feels out the situation and reacts accordingly.  Not to mention that she has the most amazing blue eyes just like her daddy.

      If I hadn’t married The Hubs, I wouldn’t have had our children. I have my two pirates because of the man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with. He is the reason that those two pirates that are sleeping like little angels up stairs are here. How could the day that I said “I do” not be the happiest? It’s the day that brought them to me, even if it was years and years away? 

My life is perfect.

       I wake up in the mornings to a shrieking little one with the calls of her people, translated it means “Mommy!!! Feed me women! And while you’re at it I am wet as well.” Not long after that I hear running around up stairs and trying to remember if I did in fact move the baby gate to block my door and to make sure the bathroom door is closed and still has the safety lock on. After a few minutes of little feet stomping around and more than one call up stairs, I get greeted not with a smile or a hug but with “Milk? Waffle? Yogurt?” It’s not until after the requested breakfast is in the “works” that I get my sweet good morning and hug. Throughout the day (sometimes for weeks or months), I am alone with my two little ones. Some days I need to take more than one shower because I have been pooped, peed, spit up, or drooled on, sometimes multiple fluids at one time. I cook, clean, drive, and entertain my family all the time, I am our event planner, packer, and get ready to go out person. (I can’t help it, The hubs has stopped trying to help unless I ask. He was told not to touch anything to many times) I take care of everything in our house and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

      What!?! That doesn’t sound glamorous? It probably doesn’t. This year I have decided that I will ONLY look at positive things about life and the “not so nice things” I can’t change I am looking past. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have a beautiful family that is just the way I pictured it, (a husband that takes care of me, a sweet son who is the eldest and an amazing daughter who is around two years younger). I have a vehicle that is safe and dependable, a roof over my head, and as long as I am able to make it to the grocery store, a fully stocked fridge and pantry, but most importantly, my sweet family is healthy.

      I am choosing to look past all the things that I can’t change; the middle of the night wake ups because sweet baby girl is hungry (yet again), or the CRAZY early wake ups, even that The Hubs doesn’t have a 9-5 job and isn't home every night. I am choosing to look at the good in my life. It’s only a few months into the year and even though there have been crazy moments (that I wish I could have curled up in a ball and hid under a blanket) I have been happier a lot happier and I believe a better person. The bad moments aren’t ones that I will remember in 5 years, I will ALWAYS remember the sweet hugs from the kiddos, the encouraging words from a friend (maybe not the exact words but how they made me feel), or the random moments where everything thing falls into place and for just a moment everything is perfect. 

I’m glad I married young

                My husband and I always joked we got married so I could have health insurance. (True story, the scariest 15 days of my life is when I didn’t have my insurance, I would have bet someone that I was going to end up in the hospital). It’s not true; we got married because we were/are madly in love. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 18. We got married five years later and have been insanely happy since 

       When I told people that we were engaged and planning the wedding for the next summer or fall, I got asked when I was due, or if the baby was going to be in the wedding. (The ones who did the math) I would usually answer with a funny little comment about not for at least five years (which I was pleasantly wrong about) or not unless they are time travelers. We didn’t get married because I was pregnant, rare I know for young marriages. We indeed got married because we didn’t want to be apart. We did the long distance thing and it really wasn’t for us. We already had limited together and we knew that we would eventually get married. So why not get married now?

       I have also been asked about all the “stuff” I missed in my twenties. I haven’t missed anything, I have had the late night talks with “my girls”, girlie weekends, staying out WAYYYYY to late with a few to many drinks. (Not super proud of that one) I lived in the posh apartment that I could barely afford right by downtown, fancy dinners, nice trips, I have had just the basics in the fridge (or nothing at all), and “splurged” on going to get Chinese takeout. Every rite of passage a twenty something should have I have dealt with, with one exception. I had my best friend and partner with me. He was right by my side the entire time, well other than when he was on a patrol. (For the non-sailors, on a boat in the middle of the sea) I didn’t have to worry when I would get married or if I would have children in my “prime years”.

       I was lucky enough to find the love of my life in high school, why would I want to wait to start my life with him? Everything that I have and grown to be is because of him. He was right by my side in my happiest moments of life, when we got married, the birth of my children, and moving to Oregon. (Yes, I am insane and living here has been my dream since I can remember) he has also been there through my saddest moments, a miscarriage, losing people that I love, even the worst year of my life. I have also been with him, in the hard moments. We have made it through everything that has been thrown at us, and we are stronger, happier, and more in love than when we said “I do”. 

Besides, I looked AMAZING that day! 

I’m okay being old fashioned.

       I was raised in the South, where sweet tea is the wine of choice, a dinner party isn’t complete until you have a dessert “that you just whipped together”, its nearly a sin to show up empty handed, and family dinner isn’t a once a week occurrence; it happens every night the family is together. Everything is a little old fashioned in one way or another.

        Before I got married, I had a completely different view on this, I planned on sharing the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, everything! As soon as I got married I wanted to “play house”.  I started doting on The Hubs, cooking, cleaning, and going out of my way to make life easier for him. I will admit I got tired of doing everything around the house, but 99% of the time I was happy doing everything. It wasn’t until after Lime came that I truly wanted to be “old fashioned”

       I want to raise my children knowing the traditional man and female roles. (Not that a women can’t keep her family and have a career or that men have to “bring home the bacon” they will see this too) It’s what has worked for my family and The hubs’ family. We the women are happy staying home with the children, raising them, molding them, and making sure we are  sending out the best little person we can into this world. (Once both Kiddos are in school, I will be working again)

        In this little world for our family, The Hubs is treated like a king, dinners cooked, drinks “fetched” house cleaned (NEVER spotless, and usually a pile or two of laundry) and most nights a back rub. BUT here is the catch; I am treated like a queen! I am actually appreciated, and told this! All the work I do is not for nothing, I know that my family appreciates everything I do for them. The Hubs, brings me special treats nothing fancy, just little things that he thinks I would like, Vanilla cream sodas, chocolate, coffee! And my favorite, Mommy crack! (Just a soda but it helps you get through the day, even though I know I shouldn’t drink them) Even to some extent the kiddos get it, Lime will come up give me a hug and kiss and say thank you, which could also be just because he is a lover not a fighter and his favorite word/phrase is thank you (Yes he is two and has better manners than some adults that I know). Baby Girl, will give me a super sweet smile and one of her death grip hugs, (only 5 month old I know that could choke someone out!)

        I know this life isn’t for everyone and I am not trying to “set back” women’s rights (and this next statement will really get some blood boiling) but I think the women of the 50’s were doing something right. They took care of their men and children (and looked good doing it!). I want to be that wife, mother, chauffer, nurse, chief, teacher, maid, I think you get the idea, I want to be able to be there for my family, and right now I wouldn’t be able to do that if I wasn’t “old fashioned” and stayed home. 

I miss my other half.

        Now I know most of you are thinking, the Hubs. And you’d be wrong. I mean DUH I miss him when he is gone, shoot even when he is at work for the day I miss him…Most of the time when he is at work for the day I miss him. I am talking about my children’s second mom, even though Baby Girl has never officially met her, the person that no matter what I can tell my secrets to, the one that I can always count on; My East Coast bestie and co-parent.

      We always joke that we had to be friends; it wasn’t a matter of us getting along. It was a matter of our hubs being best friends. It was just lucky that we did get along and became great friends in such a short amount of time. In the two years we lived next to each other we celebrated first birthdays (and seconds and thirds along with the adults birthdays), new life, and all of the joyous moments life can bring. We also mourned loss of people that the hubs and I loved dearly. We joined together to be the best mother we could be. (Yes, mother, not mothers) we Co-parented and at times I am pretty sure our pirates didn’t know the difference between their bio mommy and their second mommy other than the hair color and living arrangements. Her pirates had their room at my house as well did my pirate at theirs. Our children were together every day unless we went to visit families, even then those have intertwined.

      She is the person that when you meet them and you just know that they will always be a BIG part of your life. For the first year and half( and in utero) she was such a huge part of my son’s life, there were times that he had enough of me ( it happens when the only people in the house are you two) and would cry and beg to go see her. As soon as we would walk into their house he would be all smiles go hug his second mommy and play with Rah Rah. Besides my husband she was the first to know about Baby Girl, we knew that each other were pregnant before we (the pregnant ones) knew, she was also the first person to hold little Lime (besides grandparents) and the first to know that Baby Girl was born. I was able to talk to her when I was in labor and all alone while The Hubs was home with Lime waiting for someone to get there to watch him. She doesn’t know (well does now) that if it wasn’t for her I would have been freaking out and would have tried to walk home. 

      I don’t even want to write this because I can’t find a way that doesn’t sound strange or that The hubs isn’t a vital part of my life ( he is I promise!) but saying that she is my sister or my best friend just doesn’t do it. She is my other half; there is a small part of me missing because I don’t have her and her family around me. I know that sounds crazy but it’s the only way that feels right to put it. I need this woman in my life, she gets me, she doesn’t judge me, and she loves my children just as much as I do. It’s hard to find friends like that. It’s a good thing that she (at least I hope she does) feels the same way and there is no way our families are growing apart. 

Baby Girl will always be a sweet reminder

      Many years ago a really close friend of mine passed away, in the year before she passed we grew apart a little, different places in life (as different as you can get between middle and high school) but still could lean on each other. Our families were close though and we went to be with her family where the accident happened. I didn’t want to believe that it actually happened, even though the day and next few months to be truthful were a blur, I can remember asking at least 5 times how she was only to be crushed again and again. I didn’t fully accept it until her funeral; I don’t think anyone who knew and loved her did.

       She was the BEST person you can imagine, the biggest caring heart, talented, beautiful but didn’t know it, smart, if it was a good trait she had it. She was our Sunshine; she brought joy and happiness everywhere she went. She fought hard for what she believed in, her best friend was an elderly lady who lived in her neighborhood, and she never met a stranger; you were instantly a friend.  She was only on this earth for a short amount of time but in that time she touched more lives than you can imagine.  She was also wise beyond her years and always put other before herself.

       A little less than 12 years later, I found out I was pregnant, my due date at the end of the month that she passed away in. I was elated, but finding out the due date month brought everything flooding back. When I found out that baby girl was truly baby girl (physical proof not just knowing), I knew that she would be born early, and around that time of the accident, my forever reminder of my sweet Sunshine. I only told one person that I felt Baby girl would be early when I knew, later after I moved I told the Hubs. (When he wouldn’t be worried about traveling)  I pushed it out of my head and forced myself not to think about it. I focused, on the new life that I was creating, my sweet, sweet little girl and on moving.

       Well the months  flew by and after a few scares (of early arrivals) I was told that if anything happened after 37 weeks I would have Baby Girl. (37 weeks was just a few days before the date of the accident and I had no doubts when Baby girl would be here.) Well at 37 weeks and 1 day I went into labor. Which was the day before the accident, I didn’t even realize until I was alone in the hospital room, the hubs had taken Lime home and was waiting for my West Coast Bestie to get there. I tried to hold it together, I failed. I failed miserably; so badly that the nurse was concerned that I would have problems with Baby Girl’s birthday. (Like about to call the doctors to see what they could do) I was able to explain to the nurse through my tears a little about my Sunshine and what happen, also that I had a feeling that it would be today. She told me that our departed loved ones always have a way of letting us know they are still around. She couldn’t have been more right.

       When I held Baby girl in my arms immediately I felt at peace. More than a new mom that just had a baby (not trying to one up or anything bad, I guess you could say a different type peace) I knew that my Sunshine was there with us. I don’t strictly think there are spirits all around us all the time, but I do believe that people you had a strong connection to can send you messages and can be felt around you when you need them. I felt Sunshine when I held Baby Girl even though it was in the middle of the night. Baby Girl already has a ton of personality; a lot of it could be my Sunshine, just like her, when Baby Girl smiles it warms your heart and soul. When I look at my sweet Baby Girl, I will be reminded to put others first, fight with all you all your heart for something that you believe in, to laugh the little things off, along with some others that are just for me to know, but most importantly to love the life you are given.

       I feel so blessed to have Baby Girl’s birthday so close to that day, I know that my Sunshine is with us and will always be. I also think that Baby Girl and my Sunshine have a special connection, I am a horrible singer but when I sing “You are my Sunshine” she smiles and has started giving me a little chuckle like “Mom, you have no idea”  I am also blessed to know that well 99% sure that my Sunshine is Baby Girl’s guardian angel.  It has taken me over four months to be able to write this and one day when Baby Girl is old enough she will be able to read this and know why she has always felt like she has been protected. 

I am not a good enough mom for my son,

      I have been thinking about this for a while. First off let me say that my son is my 1/3 of my world, (the other thirds belong to my Baby Girl and The Hubs.), I have loved him since before I even know I was pregnant and knew that he was in fact my Lime, we have a special connection that no one else will ever be able to experience, He is my little man, and one of my favorite people ever. I am a great mom (yes, again I am that confident) we go on crazy adventures, have special Lime days where he chooses what we do, I take the time to have one on one time with him daily, it might be just 5 minutes but its 5 minutes where he has all my attention. That being said, I don’t like doing boy things.

       My idea of fun isn’t playing cars for the fifth time in a day or watching them go down the race track, I don’t want to chase Lime around the kitchen, into the dining room, to the living room, and around the play area just to do that 10 more times. Some days I feel like if I see another hammer or screw driver I might freak out. I do all of these things along with others. I know that he needs to let his boyness out and boy does he! He is all little boy, okay not all, he is 99.999999% boy, I have the .0000001% that I have taken and turned into a sweet caring little love of a boy.

       I would much rather spend my time with my little Lime-a-kins cooking like we do most nights, or snuggling on the couch reading stories or just talking to each other. My favorite moments with him are when he randomly stops what he is doing comes over to me with open arms and gives me the biggest hug he can physically mange. That sweet moment is soon over when he tackles me and pins me down.

       I am trying to be more of a boy mom, we have always gone out and played but I always made him keep it safe. Now I am letting him climb a little higher while my heart is racing, I am letting him run around and fall down, maybe skin his knees (I am always right there to kiss them better, also disinfect and bandage).  I know that he won’t always be my sweet little Lime, the infant I held for hours and sweetly rocked while he slept. Can you blame me for wanting him to be?

       He needs room to grow into a “big” boy, teenager, and finally into the man that will make his parents proud. I am struggling with that growing part. He is and will always be my baby, just like the book “Love You Forever” by Robert Munsch, says I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

        I love my son more than a mother could love a son, I swear the moment I saw him on the ultrasound I knew he would have a hold on my heart forever. I promise that I will let him be more “boy” and not be an overbearing overprotecting mommi that I am.  I will NOT however let him forget his southern manners, that sometimes a hug is the best medicine in the world, and that having a caring and giving heart is more important than being the most popular person. 

Lime waving hello world! 

       

I wouldn’t change my life.

       I wake up between 4 and 6:30 every day, big time difference I know!, I can be up in the middle of the night sometimes 3 or 4 times, I have many sleepless nights due to the kiddos or because I am the over worried wife that when the hubs is at work or out to sea, if I don’t get an e mail saying goodnight, I can’t fall asleep. Even on days that I get to “Sleep in” Lime is usually running amuck down stairs and wakes me up. My husband can be gone for weeks, even months at a time. Lime and Baby Girl aren’t always the happiest little kiddos and will cry and scream to let me know, Lime has also started the “terrible twos” just trying to figure out his little life and where he stands and what he is and isn’t allowed to do, he also is a nap pirate and doesn’t always take one. I live 3,000 miles away from my parents, brother, my in-laws and friends that I have known for close to five years. Funny thing is I wouldn’t change it.

        I desperately wanted children, no big fertility issues, I had one miscarriage, then within months of being able to “try” again I was pregnant with Lime and with Baby Girl, well she came when she wanted to, that time being two months before we started “trying”. As my friends call me I am a Fertile Myrtle. I am super mom, I handle sleepless nights and long days sometimes with me time but mostly with out. When I am about to rip out my hair or go hid in the closet until Lime comes and finds me because after all he is my mini stalker, (This kid can find me anywhere!) or Baby Girl needs to eat, I remind myself that I am truly blessed with two AMAZING kids. They may drive me insano some days but mostly we have awesome days with very little melt downs. As for the super early wake ups, I have time with just Baby Girl who is all smiles and laughs, I talk to her and the best she can at four months she talks back. I also have coffee, lots and lots of coffee.

      Of course I wish my husband would be home all the time, he is my best friend and we do everything together. If he was home all the time though I wouldn’t be able to miss him, I wouldn’t have that little hole in my heart that will only be filled when I see him on the boat dock or when I hear his beast of a truck pulling up and Lime screaming “DADDY!!!!” and running to the window to see him, making sure it’s real, before running and trying to open the front door. (His plans of that are always foiled with the baby locks) I actually have a chance to miss my husband and really appreciate all that he does around the house. Let’s face it, when you have someone to help you all the time you’re not going to notice that he was able to keep the baby happy or that he helps get dinner plated and gets everyone to the table. Its part of the everyday hectic life and a lot of it’s taken for granted. When the Hubs is gone my life really is crazy; I mange two kiddos that want what they want when they want it and it doesn’t matter what’s going on. Not to mention, that Lime wants to be a big boy and use the big boy potty; which usually happens when I am trying to get Baby girl to Sleep or when she is trying to eat. As soon as the Hubs gets home I know everything will be alright, he will do his daddy thing and somehow magically make the kiddos behave and calm down. I will also sleep like a baby, yes a baby; waking up in the middle of the night with baby girl and falling asleep again in the strangest of strange positions. (Think, sitting up straight with your head slightly tilted back and to the side (school pictures tilt to the side) with a 14 pound weight on your chest and your legs either straight out or one leg hanging off the couch and the other contoured into unnatural ways)

       I miss my family and East Coast friends daily. I love where I live, and have always wanted to live in Oregon. I mean seriously as far back as I can remember, I heard of Oregon and wanted to live there. I don’t know why there was just something about this state pulling me towards it. I finally feel like I belong somewhere, not that I am just a passerby. Do I wish I could still take a long drive and see family, OF COURSE! My family (In-laws included) is very close and saying good bye to them was the hardest thing I have had to do. This move however has been the best thing for my small family; we have ALWAYS had someone close to help us with the simple things in life. I even had someone who watched Lime a few times so I could vacuum. We have learned to lean on each other and how to really take care of things on our own.                We can now say that we are self-sufficient. Even when I went into labor with Baby girl, we could have handled it on our own. Thankfully I have one of the most amazing friends who made the two hour drive in less than an hour an half on a moment’s notice to stay with Lime overnight so the hubs could witness the miracle that is Baby Girl.

      My life isn’t for everyone, it can be challenging, it can be lonely, and if you let it, it can be downright overwhelming. But if you have the right mind set, the one of without all the stresses I wouldn’t be able to appreciate all the good I have, the two amazing kiddos, a loving husband, the family and friends who love me and my little family, a warm bed, fridge full of food (when I actually get to the grocery store) and a roof over my head, then my life is wonderful and why would anyone want to change it? 

I love Valentine’s Day,

      It might have something to do with the fact that I have had the same valentine since I was 17; though maybe not in the same state or country for that matter and have never been jaded by love. Also could be that I don’t reserve Valentine’s Day for “special” love. (Do I really need to explain that one?)

      I have been very lucky that the hubs and I have always had each other, even though he doesn’t believe in one day to show you love, in fact some years he has made a point to celebrate any other day but Valentine’s Day. We have done everything from fancy dinners, to being curled up on the couch watching movies. My favorite celebration was when he surprised me with a phone call saying he was going to be home in an hour (wasn’t supposed to be home at all that week; such is the military life) to get dressed up and wait for him. He took me out to a fancy dinner then we went and got coffee. (You should know that I LIVE for coffee, pretty sure my blood isn’t blood but in fact coffee.) This was the first year we were married, and it’s still fresh in my mind. It wasn’t because he took me to a fancy dinner that could have blown our budget for the month but because he took the time to think of something special and made the time to spend with me. 

      Even my “lonely” V-days, I have always been happy. Before I had the hubs and the years we weren’t together, I surrounded myself with people that I love my parents and friends before my kiddos. If I wasn’t able to do that I would do things for me, (a nice hot bath, painting my nails, watching sappy love movies, you know girlie things) because I really do love my self. I am pretty awesome if I do say so myself. Now that I have my two kiddos, I have three Valentines!

      I think love should be spread and Valentine’s Day is just a reminded to celebrate it. The card, candy, and flower companies have made it into something it shouldn’t be. They make it seem like if you don’t have a “Special” Valentine your alone and should feel bad. Truth is you still have people that love you; it just might be your best friend instead of a “special” friend.

      I dare you to have a non-typical Valentine. Maybe treat a family member, or a friend, or your kiddos to a special treat. I know that my two little pirates and I will be celebrating together, maybe going out to lunch or for a special trip to the bounce house. If you feel really brave, forego the typical Valentine all together, the hubs and I stopped buying each other gifts years ago. Now we celebrate with a meal that I cook and eat after the kiddos are in bed.

                  Love should be shared with EVERYONE! Not just your special someone.

I am reclaiming me.

       On any given day if you show up at my house unannounced I will have on my sweatpants that are getting a little too big, my husband’s shirt which is about 5 sizes too big, my hair pulled back mostly from the night before maybe washed maybe not, and most certainly no makeup. When I went out I would put on my one good pair of jeans and an old tee-shirt that I grabbed out of my dresser. I was stuck in the mommy rut.

      I want my children, especially Baby Girl, to know that just because you have children you shouldn’t disappear. I love my children more than anything, but I can’t let myself become only their mom. It’s taken four months for me to realize that I was slowly disappearing into being only Mommi to Lime and Baby Girl. I wasn’t my husband’s wife or the women who likes to do crafts and sew. All I felt like was Mommi; my days were consumed with potty training, feeding, and nap times and with the fun things (for the kiddos) in-between.

     With reclaiming me I am not saying that I am not a Mommi, I am saying that I love my children, they will ALWAYS come first, but I am still going to make time for myself. I am going “escape” to more places than just the grocery store, I will venture out with a good book, or most likely a gossip magazine and drink a coffee; if I’m lucky I will be with a friend instead and we can catch up. Now instead of changing out of my “home uniform” into my “going out” clothes I am going to take the time to not only make sure my children look their best, I am too. I will wear makeup, my hair will be styled, (I made sure of that by cutting off over 7 inches), my clothes will nice and spit of free, and once Baby Girl is out of her “I’m going to pull on everything, because I can” stage I will wear earrings and a necklace. I will have times that I will allow myself to wear my sweats; it will not be an all-day event.

      I will finally take the time to make time for myself.  

Homemade

     As I just put my homemade lasagna with my homemade pasta sauce in the oven, I started thinking that this isn't normal in every home.

       I choose to make 90% of my meals myself. I don’t like not knowing what exactly is in my food. Yes, it takes more time to make a meal from scratch. However knowing what exactly I am eating and putting into the bodies of my children and husband is a wonderful feeling. Besides it tastes so much better. I am not saying that I made the noodles and processed the cheese. I would like to learn how to make my own noodles maybe when the kiddos are older.  

      Before I got pregnant my husband and I ate six things, Tacos with a bag mix of seasoning, pizza which was frozen, stir fry from a bag, some type of pasta, chicken and broccoli casserole, some type of baked chicken and mac and cheese.  Things got very bland and we were gaining weight faster than I would have liked. I changed things up and instead of going to the freezer selections I did a little research and learned that I can make my own “freezer meals”, pizza crust, even  taco seasonings. This changed my life and waist line. I have always enjoyed cooking and why not make things fresh; I was confused as to why I NEVER thought of doing this before I got pregnant. Maybe it was because I was “baking” a new life or that I could barely eat anything, either way I’m glad I did.

      So I started cooking homemade meals and the hubs and I both started to feel better and enjoyed eating our meals, they weren’t loaded with salt, or sugar, or foods that we would pick around. They were tailored to what we liked to eat, not the masses. It’s nice to know that NO food is gone to waste, unless our eyes are bigger than our stomachs.  I also found that with a little practice that foods don’t have to take longer than what “convenient boxed/bags” foods do, at least not much longer. I make an amazing, (yes I feel confident to say amazing) bacon mac and cheese. Made with fresh cheeses, (three) bacon, green onions, and some noodles. Guess what it takes 30 minutes and ONE pot. No draining needed.

      When it was time to think about food for Lime, okay I will be real. When I was pregnant with Lime and thought about his first foods, it only made sense that I would make his food too. One of the simplest things I have EVER made. Steam, puree, done, I could make him meals for an entire month in less than two hours including clean up. I did eventually get a nifty baby food cooker from my Mother-in-law who witnessed the process of cooking for him. This baby does EVERYTHING! I was able to make food fresh a few times a week in less than 30 minutes and spend less than jarred baby food. I did get lazy one day and thought I’ll just go get him some food. When I tried to feed him he wanted nothing to do with it. He ended up eating rice cereal because of the nastiness. He is also (or was) a great eater. He is getting back on track with eating everything; the poor guy had a rough time and only wanted foods he knew. My son will eat sushi, any type of veggie, and the “fancy” cheeses. Try to give him a hot dog or a chicken nugget he wants nothing to do with it. I credit that to introducing him to “non-kid” foods early. He was about a year old eating sushi and loved it. (Think more of a veggie roll, or chicken teriyaki)

      Now that we are thinking of Baby Girl eating “real” foods in the coming months I am getting a jump start,  so when she is ready so are we. I already have some sweet potatoes in the freezer, and I am thinking of what seasonings she will like once she has had her taste of different foods. That’s another thing with homemade baby foods. You won’t find any with seasoning in store bought jarred baby foods, they are plain and bland. Even with the benefits of different seasonings, such as Ginger, GREAT for digestion.  And who doesn’t love cinnamon with apples? Or who wants to eat something out of a jar that could be made simply at home?  

      I love that I am able to make healthy flavorful meals for my family and know that I am not loading them up on sodium or things I can’t pronounce even sound out in my head. Yes, I am one of “those” people, the ones that cook mostly healthy fresh meals. In the past three years, I have completely changed my way of cooking. I now make our " six meals" homemade not from a bag or box, and other than veggies and fruits for smoothies, okay Ice cream too ( we all have our weaknesses) I can skip over the frozen section at the grocery store. 

      I am proud to say that the last time I cooked a frozen meal was when I first moved into my house and didn’t have pots or pans.  As I smell my lasagna cooking (smelling amazing) I am so glad that I take the time to do this and I am able to do this.  As the hubs says I take the time to keep him winterized and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

My little lime came.

It all started with a trip to Orlando. When my husband had a chance to take a class there we jumped on it. After a rough year we needed to get away, to escape our lives and small town if you will. While my husband was in class I spent my days at the pool or sleeping in. When my husband was finished for the day, we took in the “sights” went shopping, and ate at some amazing places.  It was a great trip and was just what we needed. We almost fully forgot everything going on back home. I say almost because while we were enjoying the sun, we got the call saying that we had 45 days to move out of our rental because the house had sold.

Once we got back to real life, I was stressed with trying to find a house, in a small town it’s really hard to find a year round rental, everyone does summer rentals and wouldn’t even think about it. I wrote off the extreme tiredness and nauseous feelings as being overly stressed and getting back to the grind. You can imagine my excitement as that “time” came and went, still I didn’t take a test. That wasn’t until two weeks later.

When I took the test I was “super” pregnant, the positive line showed up before the control line did. I knew Lime was a keeper and was satisfied with just one test, my husband made me take another and I didn’t have “enough” in me and barely got any on the stick. Still “super’ positive.

With less than three weeks left to move out, things started falling into place, I was pregnant and we found a place to move to. The next three weeks are a blur, packing, sleeping, working, moving, unpacking, more sleeping, and making myself eat. It all went by really fast and I am grateful it did.

At thirty-four weeks Lime wanted to come and party, I had a nice little talk with him and he stayed in. everything was great for the next two weeks, then on my way to my thirty six week appointment I got into a car accident, I was for sure Lime would come and  be here for Christmas. NOPE! He really listened to our talk and held strong and stayed in for another three weeks! I believe he only came at thirty nine weeks because there were talks of an “eviction” of some sorts. Being a gestational diabetic and knowing I was going to have a big baby the doctors were scared to let me go past forty weeks.

It might also have something to do with the plans we had to get everything perfect, my husband being at work for the night, fat kid hot dogs (smothered in cheese and Jalapenos) but I really think it’s because I changed the sheets to my favorite set. Either way he wanted to party and that’s just what he did.

My sweet boy is going to be TWO this month and I can’t fathom it. I feel like the time has flown by with a blink he has grown from the sweet newborn that I would hold for hours just staring at into the hilarious, sweet, loving, pirate of little boy, sorry correction, big boy. I can’t imagine my life without him and I remember my life before him,  but in reality my life really started the second I heard his cry.